


The Funeral

by e_cat



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, at least I think so, sorry I'm a pessimist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 18:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2662055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_cat/pseuds/e_cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I know we're all really hoping that Gansey doesn't die, but we have to admit that it's at least a possibility. So this story takes place at Gansey's funeral. It's from Ronan's point of view, because Ronan is awesome.</p><p>I should warn you that Gansey's death was Adam's fault on some level (you can decide how much). And I should also warn that some sort of relationship is going on between Adam and Ronan, but I did not specify how far that's gone, or for how long, so you can decide on that, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Funeral

**Author's Note:**

> I think the title is probably lame, but I couldn't think of a better one. Could be worse, I suppose.  
> Also, these characters come from Maggie Stiefvater, and before them I never had any inclination to write fanfiction, so a million thanks to her!

Blue looked haunted. She looked like she’d been crying endlessly, but she didn’t want anyone else to know. Stealing quick glances at her across the church, Ronan noted that she wasn’t very good at hiding it.

Someone else arrived. Ronan glanced to the entrance, expecting some relative or reporter – someone who didn’t really care; someone who didn’t really matter. Instead, he saw Adam. Adam, who Ronan wanted nothing more than to look at. Adam, who Ronan could not look at if he wanted to maintain his anger. He was pretty sure he wanted to be angry today.

Ronan looked away quickly, but not before he noticed that Adam, too, looked haunted. “So do you,” Noah commented beside him.

Ronan made some sort of noise that was meant to be derisive, but instead sounded strangled. “I am haunted: there’s a ghost right beside me,” he replied, but his tone was different than he’d intended it to be. Quieter. More hollow.

Ronan felt rather than saw Noah roll his eyes. Normally, Noah would have pretended at being insulted. But today, he knew that Ronan needed whatever hostility he dished out. Today, lying was not an option for any of them.

“What’s it like?” Ronan asked quietly. “Being a ghost?”

Noah shrugged. “It is what it is,” he said simply. “It’s being not-alive.”

As much of a non-answer as that was, they both knew what was not being said. Ronan felt a little bit of disappointment and grief at the finality of Noah’s confirmation, but, really, he’d known all along that it wasn’t an option. Being a ghost was being seen by only a few, and known by even fewer. It was powerlessness, and it was loneliness. It was being quiet, and creepy, and _other_.

In short: it was opposite of Gansey.

Gansey could not exist as a ghost any more than Noah could exist as a living person: there was just something so wrong about it. Noah remained as a spirit for fear of moving on; Gansey had never been afraid of anything – at least not for very long. Gansey was vibrant – always moving; always talking to someone about something; always planning his next adventure. To picture him as a spirit, existing as Noah did – it was impossible.

Ronan stared at the front of the church. _If only…_ he thought, but he wasn’t sure how to finish the thought.

Noah leaned forward and looked around Ronan. “Adam’s looking over here,” he informed, and Ronan wanted so badly to look, but he couldn’t. He wouldn’t let himself.

Ronan shrugged, pretending he didn’t care because he couldn’t let himself admit otherwise. Noah knew the truth, anyways. “Let him look,” he said, trying like hell to force venom into his tone. It wasn’t working very well.

“How long are you going to ignore him?” Noah asked. “You can’t keep this up forever.”

And Ronan knew he was right. He couldn’t keep shutting out Adam for much longer. With Gansey gone, Adam might be the only one who could keep Ronan from falling apart. The problem was, just this moment, he wasn’t sure he wanted him to.

Ronan didn’t answer Noah’s question, because he just wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted nothing more than to give in to Adam and be comforted. But, simultaneously, he couldn’t even _think_ of Adam without being flooded with anger and grief and he didn’t know what else.

“When did it get so complicated?” he asked, more of himself than of Noah.

“It’s always been complicated,” Noah replied. “You just didn’t know it before.”

Ronan sighed heavily. Now was not a good time for one of Noah’s riddles. The silence hung between them for a long time before Ronan finally let himself ask, “Is he still looking?”

Noah looked around Ronan quickly and shook his head. Ronan clenched his jaw and allowed himself a quick look in Adam’s general direction. It took him less than a second to pick out Adam’s familiar form. It helped that he was beside Blue, who drew attention in a whole other way with her dress that was not truly black, but more of a navy blue, overlaid with deep purple lace in the shape of ravens. Ronan almost smiled; it was the kind of outfit that was just so _Blue_. Gansey would have liked it.

Adam, beside her, wore his one suit. He was turned away from Ronan, but his exhaustion was clear in his shoulders. Blue had her hand resting on one of them. If it hadn’t been such a solemn occasion, it would have been comical to see her reaching up so high just to comfort him. The way they were standing, it was almost as if they were about to start dancing. Ronan felt a spark of jealousy flare through him.

 _He chose you,_ he reminded himself. _Adam didn’t have to choose anyone, but he chose you._ It was almost unbelievable, when he thought about it. Adam had somehow looked past all the flaws that made up Ronan’s exterior, and decided to give the boy inside a chance to love him. _And now what? Now I ignore him and let him be comforted by Blue instead._

“You know that relationship is long over,” Noah reminded Ronan. Ronan kind of just wanted to mope a little longer.

“Because Blue was meant for Gansey. But Gansey’s gone now.”

“But you’re still here,” Noah told Ronan, and Ronan wondered if it was true; was he really here at all? “And Adam’s meant for you.” Ronan felt a bit of a thrill at hearing those words. He had to remind himself that Noah didn’t know that, not really, or his heart may have burst from the conflict of emotions. He couldn’t add pleasure to the almost-lethal combination currently warring in his mind.

“Bullshit,” he said, because he couldn’t say anything else. He gave himself a minute to calm his breathing, and then he continued. “But they understand each other,” he said. “The guilt they both have – all I have is anger. That isn’t helpful at all.”

“You have sympathy,” Noah said simply. “It’s _Adam,_ Ronan. You can’t just shut him out. You know you won’t be able to.”

Ronan snuck another quick glance at Adam. This time, Adam was looking back, and Ronan felt a jolt of electricity run through him at the millisecond of eye contact he allowed before turning his gaze to the dusty floor, his face burning. The effect that Adam had on him was… _terrifying._

Ronan kept his gaze firmly on the ground for a long minute, his heart pounding. Finally, he allowed himself to look up again, and he saw – Adam. Adam was coming over here. Adam was coming to talk to him.

“Fuck,” Ronan muttered. Noah laughed beside him, and Ronan knew without looking that he was disappearing. A moment later, he reappeared beside Blue, who gave him a feeble smile. Noah didn’t touch her; she would need all the energy she could manage today.

Ronan squeezed his eyes shut for an instant, almost unnoticeably. Even if it was noticed, he was allowed to be weak today. No one could argue against that.

Ronan tried his best to put on a hostile face and held eye contact with Adam as he approached. Of course, there was a reason he had looked away before. The longer he stared at Adam, the more he felt his anger slipping away. Without the anger, there was only grief, and Ronan wasn’t sure he was prepared for that emotion.

 _Hold onto the anger,_ he thought desperately. _Have to stay angry… Why am I angry again? Oh, right._ He was angry because Gansey was dead, and because Adam and Blue were at fault, however indirectly. Blue had kissed Gansey, and, though Gansey had asked for it, Ronan knew she probably wouldn’t forgive herself. He wasn’t sure that he could, either.

And Adam. It was Adam’s fault that Gansey was dead. It might as well have been Adam that killed him. And Adam had been warned that Gansey would die by his hand.

And when had anyone told him any of this? Blue’s kiss of death? Adam’s vision from that tree? Gansey’s name on a list at 300 Fox Way? Not until after. Not until it was far too late to do anything about it.

It was enough to make Ronan explosive with anger, under normal circumstances. But these were not normal circumstances, because Gansey was dead, and Adam was standing right in front of him, staring calmly into his eyes.

Adam reached out a hand, and Ronan flinched away. If he let Adam touch him, all of his defenses would slip away. He would have nothing left.

Adam’s hand dropped back to his side, and his gaze dropped to the floor. _Is this going to be it?_ Ronan wondered wildly. _Is this where we end? Is this something we can’t come back from?_

Adam looked up again, as if he could hear what Ronan was thinking. Tears shone in his eyes, but whether they were for Ronan, or Gansey, or himself, Ronan was not sure. “I’m trying here, Ronan,” Adam said, his voice desperate. “I… I can’t change what… what happened, but I can… I want to…”

“I know,” Ronan said softly. _What next? What next?_

“I’m so sorry,” Adam said, and that was what broke Ronan. Adam wasn’t supposed to be apologizing to Ronan. That wasn’t how this worked.

Ronan took a step forward without taking a breath. He could barely breathe, anyways. There was almost no space between them now. Ronan reached out and grasped Adam’s shoulder before he could stop himself. “You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said fiercely, and maybe, _maybe,_ he believed it. Even if he didn’t, it was something that Adam needed to hear, and, right now, that was close enough to the truth for Ronan.


End file.
